The Unpublished Chapters

It feels good to be lost in the right direction.


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Patience.

I’m 100% an out of site, out of mind personality. I sent the letter and as far as emotions go, that was my limit. What else can I do but wait?

So for those of you brave enough to ask or those of you merely just wondering, I’m waiting. And the truth is, that isn’t very easy. In fact, once I’d been asked when my next blog update would be, I got angry. The emotions that were far from sight were upfront and real. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m feeling rejected. I’m feeling disappointed. I thought it would be instant. I still have tons of faith that she will respond, but the timing is making me quite anxious.

“Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.”

My “real mom” is in the middle of a very serious health upset. (To put it lightly, because, well you know me) or to just be straight to the point, she needs a lung transplant. I don’t do well with big news, I clam up. I become abrasive and sarcastic. I don’t know that this is the best time in my life to be having this big life altering meet and greet. I don’t want my mom to feel like I’m trying to replace her. I’m hoping the anxiety doesn’t overwhelm me. But at the same, it’s putting my head in a very “now or never” state of mind. What if this is my only opportunity. Not me, or my mom, or my birth mom are promised tomorrow.

So to recap, I’m over exhausted with emotions in every direction, while all I can do for anyone it seems, is wait.

Merry Christmas, from my crazy family to yours.

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Inspired

Over the last weeks I have had thousands of people read my blog and hundreds of people have told me they support me. What an encouragement. I have been told that they find my story inspiring, but to be honest I find all of you inspiring. I’ve been asked by some of the closest people in my life and even complete strangers, “Why did you make this story public?” And my answer is simple. To inspire. 

Sure, not everyone will have an adoption story, but we all have brokenness in our life, what’s the use in hiding it, what’s the use in feeling alone? Here are some of my favorite things I’ve read lately that have encouraged me. I hope you find that they relate to you. And maybe you won’t start a blog tomorrow, but maybe you’ll confide in a friend, or even a stranger. Maybe you will tell someone what makes you less than perfect. 

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If I haven’t said it yet, thank you. Thank you for your support, sensitivity, and encouragement. And for everyone who has shared their stories with me, keep taking those baby steps!


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Secrets That Have Changed My life

“All this time I was finding myself, and I didn’t even know I was lost.. ”

My mom and I were driving home, it was an hour long car ride. Mom got quiet, awkward even as she always does when she’s about to bring up my birth mom. It’s never been a serious discussion. It’s always short lived and quickly hushed. No one wants to hurt anyone’s feelings, or at least that’s my interpretation. In fact I often joke about how I luckily don’t share their DNA, one day someone pointed out to me the sting that may cause them every time I remind them of that truth. But I have said and will continue to stand by the fact that I am not ashamed. People always ask silly questions like, “What’s it like to be adopted?” Well what’s it like NOT to be adopted? It is simply my life I can’t explain it.

My real mom is sick, she doesn’t have a terminal illness necessarily, but she is not well and hasn’t been for a while now. Granted she is a hypochondriac, but she has a fear that she won’t live much longer. I haven’t put much credit to that opinion, but it is in the back of my mind. She wanted to start to tell me my story, in fear that if she didn’t soon, I would never know and I would never have the heart to ask. She brought this up and asked if she could tell me things about my birth mom WILLINGLY AND GUILT FREE! Of course I had to say yes, but I instantly knew I bit off more than I could chew. In fact this memory of a June afternoon is so vague and blurred I can’t remember what she said, what I just assumed, and what I made up.

What I do know is my mother is here in Minnesota. She has kids, a few of them. (I think 3) they are all older than me, most are married with kids, I believe. I was the outcome of a one night stand. My real mom doesn’t even know if my birth mom knows where my birth dad is or even if he knows I exist. My brother and I were her last babies and she was struggling financially. She knew my mother while she was pregnant. ( I don’t know how yet) My parents were not looking into adoption, my mother couldn’t have more kids, but adoption wasn’t financially possible. My birth mom offered to adopt my brother and I to her. CRAZY. My sister and real dad thought this was nuts. My mom pleaded for us like a child for a puppy. And she got her wish. The details are hasty. It was all so much to take in, I wish I would’ve recorded the conversation.

It makes me sick to my stomach to know that my mother knew/knows her. It feels like a betrayal, a secret. This woman I wrote a letter to, the one I’ve never met… She has met me!! She met me knowing I was her daughter, and I met her knowing her as a friend of my mothers. I don’t have her name yet. I don’t know when, where, or how many times.

That right there was a lot, maybe even a lot of nonsense. I’ll clarify things as I hopefully find out more or remember more. It was the longest, most emotionally draining car ride I’ve ever taken, and I think it’s safe to say, it changed my life forever.