“All this time I was finding myself, and I didn’t even know I was lost.. ”
My mom and I were driving home, it was an hour long car ride. Mom got quiet, awkward even as she always does when she’s about to bring up my birth mom. It’s never been a serious discussion. It’s always short lived and quickly hushed. No one wants to hurt anyone’s feelings, or at least that’s my interpretation. In fact I often joke about how I luckily don’t share their DNA, one day someone pointed out to me the sting that may cause them every time I remind them of that truth. But I have said and will continue to stand by the fact that I am not ashamed. People always ask silly questions like, “What’s it like to be adopted?” Well what’s it like NOT to be adopted? It is simply my life I can’t explain it.
My real mom is sick, she doesn’t have a terminal illness necessarily, but she is not well and hasn’t been for a while now. Granted she is a hypochondriac, but she has a fear that she won’t live much longer. I haven’t put much credit to that opinion, but it is in the back of my mind. She wanted to start to tell me my story, in fear that if she didn’t soon, I would never know and I would never have the heart to ask. She brought this up and asked if she could tell me things about my birth mom WILLINGLY AND GUILT FREE! Of course I had to say yes, but I instantly knew I bit off more than I could chew. In fact this memory of a June afternoon is so vague and blurred I can’t remember what she said, what I just assumed, and what I made up.
What I do know is my mother is here in Minnesota. She has kids, a few of them. (I think 3) they are all older than me, most are married with kids, I believe. I was the outcome of a one night stand. My real mom doesn’t even know if my birth mom knows where my birth dad is or even if he knows I exist. My brother and I were her last babies and she was struggling financially. She knew my mother while she was pregnant. ( I don’t know how yet) My parents were not looking into adoption, my mother couldn’t have more kids, but adoption wasn’t financially possible. My birth mom offered to adopt my brother and I to her. CRAZY. My sister and real dad thought this was nuts. My mom pleaded for us like a child for a puppy. And she got her wish. The details are hasty. It was all so much to take in, I wish I would’ve recorded the conversation.
It makes me sick to my stomach to know that my mother knew/knows her. It feels like a betrayal, a secret. This woman I wrote a letter to, the one I’ve never met… She has met me!! She met me knowing I was her daughter, and I met her knowing her as a friend of my mothers. I don’t have her name yet. I don’t know when, where, or how many times.
That right there was a lot, maybe even a lot of nonsense. I’ll clarify things as I hopefully find out more or remember more. It was the longest, most emotionally draining car ride I’ve ever taken, and I think it’s safe to say, it changed my life forever.