The Unpublished Chapters

It feels good to be lost in the right direction.

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The Truth Doesn’t Always Set You Free

Disclaimer, this blog is no longer private. My parents, siblings, and closest friends are now able to access it. (They weren’t able to before) so if you’re reading my blog for the first time, and wondered why you’d never noticed it before, that is why!

Blog overload?! Sorry it was such a big moment. First I just wanted to get it out there, then I felt like I should reflect, but it was too soon. I had no feelings yet.

As I said in one of my first blogs, I never let myself go there. I didn’t cry, I didn’t wonder. And then one June afternoon, everything changed. Little did I know 11 months later, I would know almost everything. I’ve pieced together lies from all sides and now the story finally makes sense. And now I wish I hadn’t. All my life, literally for as long as I can remember, family, friends and strangers have asked me how I feel about being adopted. And for the first time in my life I feel something, and it wasn’t an emotion I was ready for.

I am angry.

I have an array of other feelings, but the most prominent, overwhelming, gut wrenching emotion I just can’t get over yet is pure betrayal.

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Whoa! This last month and a half… I repeat whoa! I wouldn’t even know where to begin to dissect all that has happened, therefore I will probably just begin and see where my thoughts take me. I haven’t had much time to reflect on any of it so I apologize if I get distracted with any one thing.

First off, I am officially enlisted in the Army National Guard! Hooah! I am beyond excited, along with about a thousand other emotions I don’t care to vomit up right now. Just know that I am still 100% certain of my decision, but aside from that I haven’t digested it much.

But although it was a surreal experience to swear in, it wasn’t the most surreal thing that happened to me this last week. The day before my enlistment, I received an eagerly awaited letter from my birth mom. (The post before this has a video of the letter.) After I read the letter I cried. I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time. They weren’t tears of sorrow, they weren’t tears of joy. I believe the timing was just so absolutely overwhelming that I couldn’t handle much else. I didn’t know what to think, I still don’t. I’m quite suspicious, well almost certain that after I told my real mom I’d be enlisting in the Army, she called up my birth mom and said, “now or never. She’s moving on, and you owe her this.” Now like I said this is just a suspicion, but I love my real mom for doing it. 😉

I have so many more questions, I want to know so much more than she gave me, but I don’t know yet if I will write another letter. I have a lot on my mind at the moment. I want to meet her, probably after training. I think I need to spend my summer focused on my future. If it is in God’s plan it will work itself out. As my birth mother said, we will meet, someday.

I’m sure my emotions will continue to grow as I reflect more on this, but at the moment that’s all I can say, I haven’t any more thoughts on the topic. Which is so very strange…..