I didn’t think I had anything else to add, thus the reason my last blog was titled, “The End” but it turns out me being adopted is not simply over. I don’t ever get to dismiss it. It is part of who I am, despite how I do or don’t feel about it.
Over the last year it has become a very frequented topic in my life, due in part to my journey and openness online. I have received emails, comments, and questions from friends and strangers about adoption. I will disclaim I am only one side of the triangle. I am the adoptee, so I will be speaking on behalf of adoptees only.
“When is the right time to tell my child they are adopted?”
My mom and I both agree… NOW! I don’t ever remember not knowing and my mom says it’s because she told me when I was very young. Whether I didn’t understand until I was 7 is hardly the point. It was never a secret, which I am so grateful for. There wasn’t an awkward sit down where my parents explained it to me for the first time. It was a word I was told at a very very young age and as I grew I understood more and more what it actually meant. So my answer is right now!! Tell them right now!
“I don’t want to raise a a child who will grow up and resent me for taking them away.”
I do not and have never resented my parents for adopting me. I am not nearly that naive. Even when I was younger. I struggled with depression in my adolescence and as much as the doctors tried, I never pushed my problems onto my adoption. It has occurred to me that somewhere in the world there are 2 people who made a mistake. But it has also occurred to me that 2 other people CHOSE me. That’s better than a bio child 😉 am I right?
“If you could have chosen would you choose an open or closed adoption?”
Personally, in my very unique case I wish I could seal it all back up and never know. But I do see the benefits of both. It is a tough decision that unfortunately can’t be made by the child. The adults really need to agree on an adoption that suits all parents. But please (in case you haven’t followed all of my blogs) don’t teeter totter in between. It’s hard, but it’s harder if you don’t stick to a choice. And set very detailed boundaries. It is a very digital, social world.
“Any advice you would give to the adopted, or the adopting?”
Follow your heart. I promise you will end up with a family that loves you. No matter how big, how biological, or how messy of a lifetime movie you make it. And remember whether you are the parents or the child, you can’t protect them from everything. It’s okay to ask questions and it’s okay to feel things.
It has been an emotional journey, one that was harder than I first anticipated, but if my insight helps even just one person, it was worth it. If you have anymore questions, please continue to ask, I’ll do my best to answer them.