The Unpublished Chapters

It feels good to be lost in the right direction.

This Time Last Year…

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This time last year I was anxiously awaiting a letter that never came, at least not willingly. I thought I could predict the outcome of a very complicated story, my complicated story. I thought I had control of how I would feel and how this would all play out. I knew there would be a little drama, because it’s my life, but I really had no idea what I was about to uncover.

Initially, anger and guilt overwhelmed me. I felt guilty for putting my parents or more importantly my brother through it. I tried hard to keep all the pressure of it on my own shoulders, but I know everyone directly involved suffered. And that made me outrageously angry with myself and all 3 of my parents.

Time has passed, the shock for everyone has subsided, the wounds are no longer fresh.

I thought by this time I would gain perspective. I figured with all the self-discovery I’ve gone through in the last year this would just solve itself. Maybe I thought I could just find forgiveness and accept everything, but I haven’t.

Don’t be mislead, it isn’t controlling my life. It doesn’t keep me awake at night, but I must fully admit, I haven’t come to terms with it. When I started the journey of discovering my birth-mother, I openly admitted I wanted the story. I wanted to know where I came from, in hopes that it would lead me to where I should go. But it’s been a long year and I can’t wrap my head around it.

If it comes up in conversation (which is rare, because it makes everyone uncomfortable) my mind blanks out. I have no feelings towards it. I’m not content, or angry, or guilty, or curious. I’m just numb.

My next step, is going to be talking to a professional, because I can’t accept that I feel nothing about something this big. Again, I might be getting in over my head. I might be putting myself through something most of my support system deems unnecessary, but what if it were you? What if it were your child?

I have no experience in this, nor do I know anyone with a history in complicated open adoptions, but if you have any perspective on having little, to no reaction to a supposed life-changing event, I’d love for you to share how you came to terms with it and how you explained what you “weren’t” going through to your loved ones.

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Author: jamieerose

I'm a twentysomething walking through life, okay usually running through life, but I'd like to slow down just long enough to share in my experiences. I am currently writing 2 blogs. One is about my journey as I seek out my biological parents and the other is my adventure in the military. Enjoy :)

One thought on “This Time Last Year…

  1. There is no shame in seeking professional help. I went through a season in my depression a few years ago where I felt like I couldn’t get the help I needed from my loved ones, so I sought help through a local church who had professional counselors on staff that were willing to work with me on a pro bono basis. It was probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I still struggle with depression, but I’m better equipped to deal with it because of the tools my counselor taught me.

    Besides, it’s good to process your emotions (or lack thereof) with someone who knows how to guide you through them.

    Good luck, friend!

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