The Unpublished Chapters

It feels good to be lost in the right direction.


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The Truth Doesn’t Always Set You Free

Disclaimer, this blog is no longer private. My parents, siblings, and closest friends are now able to access it. (They weren’t able to before) so if you’re reading my blog for the first time, and wondered why you’d never noticed it before, that is why!

Blog overload?! Sorry it was such a big moment. First I just wanted to get it out there, then I felt like I should reflect, but it was too soon. I had no feelings yet.

As I said in one of my first blogs, I never let myself go there. I didn’t cry, I didn’t wonder. And then one June afternoon, everything changed. Little did I know 11 months later, I would know almost everything. I’ve pieced together lies from all sides and now the story finally makes sense. And now I wish I hadn’t. All my life, literally for as long as I can remember, family, friends and strangers have asked me how I feel about being adopted. And for the first time in my life I feel something, and it wasn’t an emotion I was ready for.

I am angry.

I have an array of other feelings, but the most prominent, overwhelming, gut wrenching emotion I just can’t get over yet is pure betrayal.

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Reflection

Whoa! This last month and a half… I repeat whoa! I wouldn’t even know where to begin to dissect all that has happened, therefore I will probably just begin and see where my thoughts take me. I haven’t had much time to reflect on any of it so I apologize if I get distracted with any one thing.

First off, I am officially enlisted in the Army National Guard! Hooah! I am beyond excited, along with about a thousand other emotions I don’t care to vomit up right now. Just know that I am still 100% certain of my decision, but aside from that I haven’t digested it much.

But although it was a surreal experience to swear in, it wasn’t the most surreal thing that happened to me this last week. The day before my enlistment, I received an eagerly awaited letter from my birth mom. (The post before this has a video of the letter.) After I read the letter I cried. I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time. They weren’t tears of sorrow, they weren’t tears of joy. I believe the timing was just so absolutely overwhelming that I couldn’t handle much else. I didn’t know what to think, I still don’t. I’m quite suspicious, well almost certain that after I told my real mom I’d be enlisting in the Army, she called up my birth mom and said, “now or never. She’s moving on, and you owe her this.” Now like I said this is just a suspicion, but I love my real mom for doing it. 😉

I have so many more questions, I want to know so much more than she gave me, but I don’t know yet if I will write another letter. I have a lot on my mind at the moment. I want to meet her, probably after training. I think I need to spend my summer focused on my future. If it is in God’s plan it will work itself out. As my birth mother said, we will meet, someday.

I’m sure my emotions will continue to grow as I reflect more on this, but at the moment that’s all I can say, I haven’t any more thoughts on the topic. Which is so very strange…..


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Still Unpublished

Jdjchfjeoekdndheuwkwlejduhegdu!!!!

That’s how I feel about that. I gave her a window. No not even a door. Just a window of opportunity. My heart is aching and my head pounding. For many weeks now my thoughts have been consumed. I can’t find the words to scream or the tears to cry.

I’ve experienced heartbreak before. It’s sharp. Sudden. Overwhelming. Constant.

This is not heartbreak. I feel calm. Maybe numb. No lyrics sing my heart. No book has told me this story. No person has suggested how this should feel.

I can’t hold on and I can’t let go. I have no concept. My brain strains to put words on it. I shake trying to feel something. Do I care? Disappointment isn’t the right word.

To be disappointed I’d have to have expectations. I didn’t know what I wanted. Well, actually I’m a writer. I wanted the story. I never expected to attach myself to it. I was always on the outside looking in. Level headed. I didn’t care which way the story went. I didn’t let myself care who she was, or why she gave me up. I just knew I needed to know.

I never. Ever. Ever thought she wouldn’t tell me.


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Discouraged

If you wondered where my blog updates have been, well you’re not alone… In fact.. So have I! Not as quick or as easy as I thought this journey would be so far. I’d apologize for the lack of information, but I don’t think anyone is as confused as me.


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24 Things to Do Instead of Getting Married Before You’re 24, a response

justaylored

I recently read this article titled, “23 Things To Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23”. Normally, I don’t read these as they are usually written in an in-your-face-I-can-do-what-I-want tone. For whatever reason, I read this article, perhaps because I am 24 and not married and I was curious as to why 23 was the magic number. Unfortunately, the article is pretty much the same, lame advice for twenty-somethings, written by twenty-somethings whose sum total of advice is “17. Eat a Jar of Nutella is one sitting.” I didn’t think much about it until I saw at least 3 people repost it on Facebook.

I don’t know about you, but if the highlight of my life (outside of marriage???) before I’m 23 is to eat a jar of Nutella or “22. Be selfish” then I think marriage to anyone sounds pretty good.

My goal for life as a single…

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Patience.

I’m 100% an out of site, out of mind personality. I sent the letter and as far as emotions go, that was my limit. What else can I do but wait?

So for those of you brave enough to ask or those of you merely just wondering, I’m waiting. And the truth is, that isn’t very easy. In fact, once I’d been asked when my next blog update would be, I got angry. The emotions that were far from sight were upfront and real. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m feeling rejected. I’m feeling disappointed. I thought it would be instant. I still have tons of faith that she will respond, but the timing is making me quite anxious.

“Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.”

My “real mom” is in the middle of a very serious health upset. (To put it lightly, because, well you know me) or to just be straight to the point, she needs a lung transplant. I don’t do well with big news, I clam up. I become abrasive and sarcastic. I don’t know that this is the best time in my life to be having this big life altering meet and greet. I don’t want my mom to feel like I’m trying to replace her. I’m hoping the anxiety doesn’t overwhelm me. But at the same, it’s putting my head in a very “now or never” state of mind. What if this is my only opportunity. Not me, or my mom, or my birth mom are promised tomorrow.

So to recap, I’m over exhausted with emotions in every direction, while all I can do for anyone it seems, is wait.

Merry Christmas, from my crazy family to yours.