The Unpublished Chapters

It feels good to be lost in the right direction.


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Give Me My Dignity Back

“You are so lucky!”

Excuse me? Excuse me? Lucky? I am not lucky. Give me my dignity back and just walk away. I am a human being. My life is a blessing and maybe adoption was my destiny, but luck?

I am grateful, beyond words, which is saying something, because words are my specialty, but my life was destined for so much more than luck. My parents choosing me, my mother adopting me, my brother and I growing up to be fairly normal, mildly successful adults, (I mean for lost twenty something’s in the twenty-first century anyway,) that was damn hard work. I owe my parents a lot, but I have never thanked them for adopting me, nor do I expect I will, but thank them for being my mom and dad, I do that as often as I can.

I am not alive and thriving in this crazy-unpredictable world because I got lucky, but rather because God has blessed me with a loving family, the details are rather unnecessary.


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This Time Last Year…

This time last year I was anxiously awaiting a letter that never came, at least not willingly. I thought I could predict the outcome of a very complicated story, my complicated story. I thought I had control of how I would feel and how this would all play out. I knew there would be a little drama, because it’s my life, but I really had no idea what I was about to uncover.

Initially, anger and guilt overwhelmed me. I felt guilty for putting my parents or more importantly my brother through it. I tried hard to keep all the pressure of it on my own shoulders, but I know everyone directly involved suffered. And that made me outrageously angry with myself and all 3 of my parents.

Time has passed, the shock for everyone has subsided, the wounds are no longer fresh.

I thought by this time I would gain perspective. I figured with all the self-discovery I’ve gone through in the last year this would just solve itself. Maybe I thought I could just find forgiveness and accept everything, but I haven’t.

Don’t be mislead, it isn’t controlling my life. It doesn’t keep me awake at night, but I must fully admit, I haven’t come to terms with it. When I started the journey of discovering my birth-mother, I openly admitted I wanted the story. I wanted to know where I came from, in hopes that it would lead me to where I should go. But it’s been a long year and I can’t wrap my head around it.

If it comes up in conversation (which is rare, because it makes everyone uncomfortable) my mind blanks out. I have no feelings towards it. I’m not content, or angry, or guilty, or curious. I’m just numb.

My next step, is going to be talking to a professional, because I can’t accept that I feel nothing about something this big. Again, I might be getting in over my head. I might be putting myself through something most of my support system deems unnecessary, but what if it were you? What if it were your child?

I have no experience in this, nor do I know anyone with a history in complicated open adoptions, but if you have any perspective on having little, to no reaction to a supposed life-changing event, I’d love for you to share how you came to terms with it and how you explained what you “weren’t” going through to your loved ones.


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Q & A

I didn’t think I had anything else to add, thus the reason my last blog was titled, “The End” but it turns out me being adopted is not simply over. I don’t ever get to dismiss it. It is part of who I am, despite how I do or don’t feel about it.

Over the last year it has become a very frequented topic in my life, due in part to my journey and openness online. I have received emails, comments, and questions from friends and strangers about adoption. I will disclaim I am only one side of the triangle. I am the adoptee, so I will be speaking on behalf of adoptees only.

“When is the right time to tell my child they are adopted?”

My mom and I both agree… NOW! I don’t ever remember not knowing and my mom says it’s because she told me when I was very young. Whether I didn’t understand until I was 7 is hardly the point. It was never a secret, which I am so grateful for. There wasn’t an awkward sit down where my parents explained it to me for the first time. It was a word I was told at a very very young age and as I grew I understood more and more what it actually meant. So my answer is right now!! Tell them right now!

“I don’t want to raise a a child who will grow up and resent me for taking them away.”

I do not and have never resented my parents for adopting me. I am not nearly that naive. Even when I was younger. I struggled with depression in my adolescence and as much as the doctors tried, I never pushed my problems onto my adoption. It has occurred to me that somewhere in the world there are 2 people who made a mistake. But it has also occurred to me that 2 other people CHOSE me. That’s better than a bio child 😉 am I right?

“If you could have chosen would you choose an open or closed adoption?”

Personally, in my very unique case I wish I could seal it all back up and never know. But I do see the benefits of both. It is a tough decision that unfortunately can’t be made by the child. The adults really need to agree on an adoption that suits all parents. But please (in case you haven’t followed all of my blogs) don’t teeter totter in between. It’s hard, but it’s harder if you don’t stick to a choice. And set very detailed boundaries. It is a very digital, social world.

“Any advice you would give to the adopted, or the adopting?”

Follow your heart. I promise you will end up with a family that loves you. No matter how big, how biological, or how messy of a lifetime movie you make it. And remember whether you are the parents or the child, you can’t protect them from everything. It’s okay to ask questions and it’s okay to feel things.

It has been an emotional journey, one that was harder than I first anticipated, but if my insight helps even just one person, it was worth it. If you have anymore questions, please continue to ask, I’ll do my best to answer them.

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