The Unpublished Chapters

It feels good to be lost in the right direction.


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This Time Last Year…

This time last year I was anxiously awaiting a letter that never came, at least not willingly. I thought I could predict the outcome of a very complicated story, my complicated story. I thought I had control of how I would feel and how this would all play out. I knew there would be a little drama, because it’s my life, but I really had no idea what I was about to uncover.

Initially, anger and guilt overwhelmed me. I felt guilty for putting my parents or more importantly my brother through it. I tried hard to keep all the pressure of it on my own shoulders, but I know everyone directly involved suffered. And that made me outrageously angry with myself and all 3 of my parents.

Time has passed, the shock for everyone has subsided, the wounds are no longer fresh.

I thought by this time I would gain perspective. I figured with all the self-discovery I’ve gone through in the last year this would just solve itself. Maybe I thought I could just find forgiveness and accept everything, but I haven’t.

Don’t be mislead, it isn’t controlling my life. It doesn’t keep me awake at night, but I must fully admit, I haven’t come to terms with it. When I started the journey of discovering my birth-mother, I openly admitted I wanted the story. I wanted to know where I came from, in hopes that it would lead me to where I should go. But it’s been a long year and I can’t wrap my head around it.

If it comes up in conversation (which is rare, because it makes everyone uncomfortable) my mind blanks out. I have no feelings towards it. I’m not content, or angry, or guilty, or curious. I’m just numb.

My next step, is going to be talking to a professional, because I can’t accept that I feel nothing about something this big. Again, I might be getting in over my head. I might be putting myself through something most of my support system deems unnecessary, but what if it were you? What if it were your child?

I have no experience in this, nor do I know anyone with a history in complicated open adoptions, but if you have any perspective on having little, to no reaction to a supposed life-changing event, I’d love for you to share how you came to terms with it and how you explained what you “weren’t” going through to your loved ones.

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Reflection

Whoa! This last month and a half… I repeat whoa! I wouldn’t even know where to begin to dissect all that has happened, therefore I will probably just begin and see where my thoughts take me. I haven’t had much time to reflect on any of it so I apologize if I get distracted with any one thing.

First off, I am officially enlisted in the Army National Guard! Hooah! I am beyond excited, along with about a thousand other emotions I don’t care to vomit up right now. Just know that I am still 100% certain of my decision, but aside from that I haven’t digested it much.

But although it was a surreal experience to swear in, it wasn’t the most surreal thing that happened to me this last week. The day before my enlistment, I received an eagerly awaited letter from my birth mom. (The post before this has a video of the letter.) After I read the letter I cried. I cried like I haven’t cried in a long time. They weren’t tears of sorrow, they weren’t tears of joy. I believe the timing was just so absolutely overwhelming that I couldn’t handle much else. I didn’t know what to think, I still don’t. I’m quite suspicious, well almost certain that after I told my real mom I’d be enlisting in the Army, she called up my birth mom and said, “now or never. She’s moving on, and you owe her this.” Now like I said this is just a suspicion, but I love my real mom for doing it. 😉

I have so many more questions, I want to know so much more than she gave me, but I don’t know yet if I will write another letter. I have a lot on my mind at the moment. I want to meet her, probably after training. I think I need to spend my summer focused on my future. If it is in God’s plan it will work itself out. As my birth mother said, we will meet, someday.

I’m sure my emotions will continue to grow as I reflect more on this, but at the moment that’s all I can say, I haven’t any more thoughts on the topic. Which is so very strange…..