The Unpublished Chapters

It feels good to be lost in the right direction.


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This Time Last Year…

This time last year I was anxiously awaiting a letter that never came, at least not willingly. I thought I could predict the outcome of a very complicated story, my complicated story. I thought I had control of how I would feel and how this would all play out. I knew there would be a little drama, because it’s my life, but I really had no idea what I was about to uncover.

Initially, anger and guilt overwhelmed me. I felt guilty for putting my parents or more importantly my brother through it. I tried hard to keep all the pressure of it on my own shoulders, but I know everyone directly involved suffered. And that made me outrageously angry with myself and all 3 of my parents.

Time has passed, the shock for everyone has subsided, the wounds are no longer fresh.

I thought by this time I would gain perspective. I figured with all the self-discovery I’ve gone through in the last year this would just solve itself. Maybe I thought I could just find forgiveness and accept everything, but I haven’t.

Don’t be mislead, it isn’t controlling my life. It doesn’t keep me awake at night, but I must fully admit, I haven’t come to terms with it. When I started the journey of discovering my birth-mother, I openly admitted I wanted the story. I wanted to know where I came from, in hopes that it would lead me to where I should go. But it’s been a long year and I can’t wrap my head around it.

If it comes up in conversation (which is rare, because it makes everyone uncomfortable) my mind blanks out. I have no feelings towards it. I’m not content, or angry, or guilty, or curious. I’m just numb.

My next step, is going to be talking to a professional, because I can’t accept that I feel nothing about something this big. Again, I might be getting in over my head. I might be putting myself through something most of my support system deems unnecessary, but what if it were you? What if it were your child?

I have no experience in this, nor do I know anyone with a history in complicated open adoptions, but if you have any perspective on having little, to no reaction to a supposed life-changing event, I’d love for you to share how you came to terms with it and how you explained what you “weren’t” going through to your loved ones.

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Inspired

Over the last weeks I have had thousands of people read my blog and hundreds of people have told me they support me. What an encouragement. I have been told that they find my story inspiring, but to be honest I find all of you inspiring. I’ve been asked by some of the closest people in my life and even complete strangers, “Why did you make this story public?” And my answer is simple. To inspire. 

Sure, not everyone will have an adoption story, but we all have brokenness in our life, what’s the use in hiding it, what’s the use in feeling alone? Here are some of my favorite things I’ve read lately that have encouraged me. I hope you find that they relate to you. And maybe you won’t start a blog tomorrow, but maybe you’ll confide in a friend, or even a stranger. Maybe you will tell someone what makes you less than perfect. 

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If I haven’t said it yet, thank you. Thank you for your support, sensitivity, and encouragement. And for everyone who has shared their stories with me, keep taking those baby steps!