The Unpublished Chapters

It feels good to be lost in the right direction.

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This Time Last Year…

This time last year I was anxiously awaiting a letter that never came, at least not willingly. I thought I could predict the outcome of a very complicated story, my complicated story. I thought I had control of how I would feel and how this would all play out. I knew there would be a little drama, because it’s my life, but I really had no idea what I was about to uncover.

Initially, anger and guilt overwhelmed me. I felt guilty for putting my parents or more importantly my brother through it. I tried hard to keep all the pressure of it on my own shoulders, but I know everyone directly involved suffered. And that made me outrageously angry with myself and all 3 of my parents.

Time has passed, the shock for everyone has subsided, the wounds are no longer fresh.

I thought by this time I would gain perspective. I figured with all the self-discovery I’ve gone through in the last year this would just solve itself. Maybe I thought I could just find forgiveness and accept everything, but I haven’t.

Don’t be mislead, it isn’t controlling my life. It doesn’t keep me awake at night, but I must fully admit, I haven’t come to terms with it. When I started the journey of discovering my birth-mother, I openly admitted I wanted the story. I wanted to know where I came from, in hopes that it would lead me to where I should go. But it’s been a long year and I can’t wrap my head around it.

If it comes up in conversation (which is rare, because it makes everyone uncomfortable) my mind blanks out. I have no feelings towards it. I’m not content, or angry, or guilty, or curious. I’m just numb.

My next step, is going to be talking to a professional, because I can’t accept that I feel nothing about something this big. Again, I might be getting in over my head. I might be putting myself through something most of my support system deems unnecessary, but what if it were you? What if it were your child?

I have no experience in this, nor do I know anyone with a history in complicated open adoptions, but if you have any perspective on having little, to no reaction to a supposed life-changing event, I’d love for you to share how you came to terms with it and how you explained what you “weren’t” going through to your loved ones.

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The End

It’s been a while. I took some time. Time to let it all sink in, to figure out what I really wanted, but my feelings haven’t changed. I am angry. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I could meet her. I wish I had something to write back. I wish I didn’t feel the betrayal that eats away at me every time I think about it.

I wanted the story. I couldn’t leave it alone. Now I will live with more truth than I was prepared for. A year ago all I knew was I was adopted. Today I know her name, where she lives, all of her so-called real children and thanks to social media, I can see far more than I should. I can see into the lives of my brothers, whom don’t even know I exist. Into a sister’s life, who wishes I didn’t. Into a mother’s life who has given herself permission to do the same.

I started this blog for anyone in the world to read. I post pictures on Facebook for anyone in the world to see, but it naively didn’t occur to me that I gave her a window into my life, a window into my soul. In her defense I don’t think she knows how much I know. I’m not sure that anyone does. They all gave me different pieces, but I cleverly put the puzzle together. I see the big picture and I don’t like what I see. It may sound childish, or may be something that is just not easy to understand, but she didn’t earn her way in. She doesn’t get to take pride in the woman I fought to become, because she didn’t want me or couldn’t keep me, or whichever way we want to word it to make everyone feel a little less uncomfortable. Bottom line is she let me go. I don’t know that I believe in open-adoption. How unfair. Everyone gets to feel good about themselves, but is that really in the child’s best interest? Were all these lies? Secret exchanges? Secret meetings? Was this all in MINE and MY BROTHER’S best interest?

She wrote me back, she’s off the hook. My parents sent pictures and let her attend my graduation, they’re off the hook. But what about me? I have to live my whole life trying to convince myself I’m a part of a family that I’m biologically not. I can’t give them my kidney, I won’t inherit my father’s olive skin or my mother’s loud laugh. I won’t get my sister’s kind spirit or my brother’s athletic genes. I have to live with the idea that someone thought I was bad-timing. That I was a mistake not worth the hardship. She didn’t tell me that giving me up was best for my brother and I. She admitted it was best for her too, that I was a burden.

I’m done. There’s nothing else I want to know right now. I don’t know that there is anything else I can handle. I have a life ahead of me.

Mom, Dad, Mellissa and Jacob I love you, thanks for choosing me, dang you got lucky. Sorry if I hurt you trying to get my story. You are enough for me.

Cody, I love you too. I’m so thankful God chose to give me a twin, I will never be without someone to remind me of my mysteriously good genes.

And Judy I suppose you’re reading this too, breath, you’re off the hook.