The Unpublished Chapters

It feels good to be lost in the right direction.


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This Time Last Year…

This time last year I was anxiously awaiting a letter that never came, at least not willingly. I thought I could predict the outcome of a very complicated story, my complicated story. I thought I had control of how I would feel and how this would all play out. I knew there would be a little drama, because it’s my life, but I really had no idea what I was about to uncover.

Initially, anger and guilt overwhelmed me. I felt guilty for putting my parents or more importantly my brother through it. I tried hard to keep all the pressure of it on my own shoulders, but I know everyone directly involved suffered. And that made me outrageously angry with myself and all 3 of my parents.

Time has passed, the shock for everyone has subsided, the wounds are no longer fresh.

I thought by this time I would gain perspective. I figured with all the self-discovery I’ve gone through in the last year this would just solve itself. Maybe I thought I could just find forgiveness and accept everything, but I haven’t.

Don’t be mislead, it isn’t controlling my life. It doesn’t keep me awake at night, but I must fully admit, I haven’t come to terms with it. When I started the journey of discovering my birth-mother, I openly admitted I wanted the story. I wanted to know where I came from, in hopes that it would lead me to where I should go. But it’s been a long year and I can’t wrap my head around it.

If it comes up in conversation (which is rare, because it makes everyone uncomfortable) my mind blanks out. I have no feelings towards it. I’m not content, or angry, or guilty, or curious. I’m just numb.

My next step, is going to be talking to a professional, because I can’t accept that I feel nothing about something this big. Again, I might be getting in over my head. I might be putting myself through something most of my support system deems unnecessary, but what if it were you? What if it were your child?

I have no experience in this, nor do I know anyone with a history in complicated open adoptions, but if you have any perspective on having little, to no reaction to a supposed life-changing event, I’d love for you to share how you came to terms with it and how you explained what you “weren’t” going through to your loved ones.

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5 Comments

Welcome!

It’s been a long time coming. A lot of prayers, time, and tears.

I’m about to start a journey. Or rather turn a new chapter in one, because lets face it, life itself is the journey. I am 23 years old and for as long as I can remember I have wanted to be a writer. For me, one of the best ways to walk through life is to write it out, every bump in the road, every heartbreak, every joy. Life is full of coming of age stories and mine is about to become a cliche, a lifetime movie, and for those of you willing to join me on this scary journey, buckle up for the chaos. 23 years ago I was adopted. It’s been an underlining curiosity of mine for the entirety of my short lived life, and in the last few months it has started becoming an upfront, in your face desire to seek out this part of my life. I want to know and to write this part of my story.

My hope is to share every part. To see where it takes me, to see where it takes other people. Writing is my form of expression, but this isn’t just my story, so I will be sensitive to those involved. My mom (my real mom, as I will refer to her as) My Mother (my birth mom, as I will refer to her as) My dad, (my real dad) My father (if I have one?) My siblings and most importantly my twin brother. And I ask that you do the same. I am openly sharing this part of MY life, but it’s my view of it, not theirs. Keep that in my mind, especially if you know my family personally.

Thanks in advance for your support and sensitivity.

Jamie Rose